Rule One: If You pull into my driveway and honk
you’d better be dropping something off, because you sure as hell ain’t picking
anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may briefly glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. Actually you are far safer not looking at her at all. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s
body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear
to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still being a
gentleman, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with
your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes
do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple-gun and fasten your
trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier Method” of some kind can kill you.
Let me be straight with you here; when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other. We should talk about sports, politics, and
other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to
have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on the subject is “early.”
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it
is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. I will make you beg.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh
and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating a
my daughter. If she is anything like her mother, then putting on her makeup,
will be a process that can take longer than painting all the
churches in Lackawanna County. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the
oil in my truck?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or
anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, Policemen, or Nuns within eyesight. Places where the
ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. 4H livestock shows are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a beer-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues
relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, evil, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with
whom, you have one chance to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a Shotgun, a rifle, 4 pistols, a
shovel, a bucket of lye, five acres behind the house, and a poor sense of humor. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper
coming in over a rice paddy near Da Nang. When Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean and load the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you
should exit
your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to speak further.
Are we clear ?
